An Open Letter To Emeka An Ex Boyfriend

Dear Emeka
Some years back, I was on my way to Lagos from the South East with my elder sister. We boarded a luxurious bus because we were too late to catch up with the 14-seater buses. A few hours into the journey, we had a stopover at Onitsha for some reasons best known to the driver. That was when I noticed you staring at me. You walked up to my window and told me I have the most beautiful eyes ever. Those words made me receptive towards you.
Minutes later, you handed the driver a couple of two hundred naira notes and he told you to take the spare seat beside me.
You told me you had intentions of going to Lagos the next day but as soon as you set your eyes on me, you changed your mind just so you could board same bus with me. According to you, it was love at first sight.
I was just smiling sheepishly when you told me you would buy me everything the street hawkers had to offer till we get to lagos. The moment I heard that, I concluded this must be true love. Of course I was young, gullible and……hungry.
We got to Sagamu around 2am due to traffic and the driver insisted we pass the night there. You asked if I’d like a hotel. I responded no and you listed a 1001 dumb reasons why we should stay at the hotel.
We
That was when I started suspecting you. Obviously, you were the ‘hit&run’ type!
I decided to ‘eat’ you when I realised you were far from what I thought.
There was nothing I didn’t order for.
I am sorry I did that but I clocked 17 that night so I took you as my birthday party chief sponsor without your knowledge. I sat on a pavement by the roadside eating all the yama yama you bought for me while you excused yourself. You didn’t know I crept behind you to watch where you were going.
You got to one side of the road, pulled off your trousers and you started shitting mercilessly without conscience. I thought with your sweet nature you were one of those boys that don’t ‘pupu’.
That’s not all, immediately you were done scattering your poo all over Sagamu, you just pulled up your jean in a boss kinda way like its nothing. The gala I was holding dropped from my hands immediately I saw that.
With all those leaves, wraps of gala, handkerchief and papers lying carelessly, you didn’t wipe that pupu ass.
Emeka, you were a sweet dirty boy!
I completely lost appetite for the bag of goodies you bought for me. I packed all of it to my sister who was seated at one end with her own ‘clean’ passenger boyfriend.
Immediately I handed her the suya, la casera, shortbread and boiled maize. She turned me down!
I couldn’t believe my longthroated sister of all people.
Her reasons;
”I don’t want you people pupu things. Do you know that boy you’ve been following just finished pupuing without cleaning his buttocks talkless of his hands. Look at the sort of dirty thing you picked from Onitsha”.
I couldn’t even find the words to defend you. Her clean passenger boyfriend was laughing at me like a mad man.
From their angle, they could see everything across the road. I felt sick and embarrassed inside.
Immediately you found me, you opted to put your pupu arms around me and I dodged like you had bird flu!
The driver said he was going to move in thirty minutes time so I went to the bus to seat alone with the excuse that I was sleepy. Funny enough, you still followed with your army of house flies to sit beside me despite my countenance.
I didn’t know how to confront you at the same time because I also broke the ladies ethics code by spying while you took a dump.
After a while, you grabbed my left hand and put it on your Attention
”Leave me alone na” I stopped you while you were panting from your horniness’.
So Emeka, with bits of pupu stuck in your ass you still had the guts to be Hot? Shame on you! LOL
I had to ask my sister to switch seats with me just so I could get rid of you.
My sister, a no-nonsense girl obliged.
All I needed was a bucket of hot dettol to soak my left hand.
As soon as we got to the terminal in Lagos, from the look we gave ourselves I knew we wouldn’t be seeing again.
Who knows, we would have made great friends but your pupu act didn’t make a good impression.
If a courier ever delivers a carton of tissue roll to your house, just knows its from your mysterious friend with ‘beautiful eyes’.

Yours sincerely
Naija Single Girl

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